Bitter or Better

Hola, selama ini blogku isinya cuma postingan dari cerita2 bagus yg aku suka banget dan yg aku kumpulin. Hehe. And now its time for me to share a bit about whats God have done in my life ;)

Masa2 kemaren ini aku lagi masa2 strugglenya, lagi berasa hidupku seperti di sinetron2 aja. (www.lebai.com) dari broke up, berenti kerja, choosing new school, dan pindah2 rumah! Ouch! But through all the circumstances, walau mau kaya sinetron I believe that my God is always on perfect control!

Okay, sekarang cerita tentang putus dulu (episode yg lainnya nyusul yah) dan gimana Tuhan bener2 pulihin hatiku..
Putusnya bisa di consider masih lumayan fresh from the oven x ya, sekitar 2bulan lalu. Saat itu aku bener2 ngerasa hancur hatiku. Bener2 gak nyangka aja, kaya geledek di siang bolong. Aku nangis 2hari nonstop, decrease 3kg in a weeks, off kerja for 2days, dan gak keluar kamar juga selama 2hari. Haha kalo dipikir2 toenk abis deh, tapi di saat itu jg aku tegesin ke diriku sendiri, I will get over him within a months only. I made a promise to my self, dalam sebulan uda harus bisa lupa harus bisa maavin and give him my prayer and my blessings. Though its not gonna be easy, walau sangat melawan hatiku, aku HARUS move on.

Bener2 struggle deh saat itu, dengan kerjaan segudang, pulang kerja jam 12malem terus. Uda emosi jiwa tingkat tinggi. Tapi I really thank God,
He reminds me that His love alone is more than enough!

Masa2 aku struggle dan roboh hatiku itu juga dimana Tuhan bener2 memeluk aku dan remind me again about my first love to Him. About His calling in my life. Yah to be honest, waktu pacaran dulu emang tetep ke greja, tetep komsel, pelayanan. Tapi yah God is not my top priority lagi, apa2 selalu dia, mau sms, mau telponan, mau ketemu, dsb. Fokusnya uda salah, and my relationship is not healthy relationship cause it doesn’t draw me near to God even more. Malah saling menyakiti sesama, ani yg ngambekan, ani yg moodyan, ani yg galak, ani yg egois. All its about me and me, I don’t know what true love really means. Love is about giving. Makin pacaran, makin redup apinya, untung gak sampai padam. Dan Tuhan tarik aku balik ke jalanNya, aku jadi inget lagi panggilan aku, kenapa aku ke greja, kenapa aku pelayanan and I really put my whole heart into it. For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable. And He Himself will make sure His calling will come to past.

Jadi bersyukur banget, walau dengan putus ini, dengan robohnya hati. Tuhan bener2 ngajarin banyak bangetttt.. and yeah within a month loh aku bangkit!! Its all because of HIM!! Emang jalannya tuh gak mulus, pagi hari aku miserable banget, trus sorenya oke. Selama sebulan itu aku jatuh bangun,masi kepo cari2 tau tentang dya, dan stalk his fb or whateva yg in the end malah bikin aku tambah roboh. Maju 5 langkah, mundur 30 langkah. Tapi aku tetap berdoa, support and prayer from all my friends juga ambil andil besar! Walau aku gak bisa jalan lagi, jatuh bangun sampe puluhan kali, sampe ngerangakak terseok2 pun aku akan terus maju!! Because God never give up on me, so why should give up on my self?!!

To cut my story short, gimana cara aku get over dalam waktu singkat? Padahal temen2 aku pada bilang mrka biasanya putus and recover dalem itungan 6months until 1year. Ada ketakutan di hatiku, gmn Tuhan kalau ani uda ga bisa bangkit lagi? Gimana kalau ani sedih2 terus? Gimana kalau ani takut pacaran lagi? Gimana kalau ani kepaitan dsb dsb dsb. Tapi I believe that my God is the God who makes all things new!

Aku sempet takut tidur loh, soalnya pas tidur selalu mimpi pas jaman2 aku pacaran sama dia, mimpi kita nonton Cinderella on ice, mimpi mainan sama doggie aku, mimpi dinner sama my family. Terus pas bangun aku harus terima kenyataan kan kalo aku uda putus dan semuanya uda selsai. Seminggu mimpi gitu terus, stress polllll. Terus anita tiba2 kasi blognya ci lia, eh pas banget sama keadaanku, baca disini deh. Jadilah sebelon tidur aku selalu tumpang tangan di kepala bagian belakang, serahin semua alam bawah sadarku ke tanganNya.. and taaadaaaa uda ga pernah mimpi lagi tuh. Pertolongan Tuhan tuh gile bener yah ajib dah, aku gak tau loh harus gimana and ngapain pas mimpi ini terus, eh anita kasi blog ci lia ini di waktu yg super tepat dan aku jadi tau aku harus doain alam bawah sadarku. Dan anita saat itu ga tau kalo aku lagi sering mimpi2 begini. Bener2 pekerjaan Tuhan deh. Thanks dearly anita dan ci lia ;)

And I take time to fast for 2 weeks. Puasa dari mikirin dya, puasa dari stalk2 fb, puasa dari semua pertanyaan yg going on in my mind. Dan fokus sama janji2 Tuhan, ini beberapa pertanyaan dan pikiran yg bikin aku struggle dan susah untuk move on dan apa yg Tuhan jawab \(»ˆ⌣ˆ«)/

Tuhan kenapa sih Tuhan kok ani diputusinnya super ga jelas alasannya? Kenapa tiba2 banget sih? Kaya diserbu banteng nih rasanya.
My precious child, things can change over night and you need to be ready. You need to make yourself always available for Me. Read Gen 22, Abraham was ready present his only child to Me. Son that he waited for 100years. How about you anie? Wheres your heart leading towards, through the bad moments, hard moments, hurt moments?

Tuhan tuh cowo otaknya apa sih kok bisa2nya lupain ani cepet banget and langsung chasing another girl? Tuh cewe juga cewe apaan coba?!
Matthew 7:1-5
Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

Tuhan ani ga tau nih sampe kapan ani mesti tahan, sesek bener nih rasanya huhu pengen maki2 dya rasanya..
Dear, I tell you not to forgive seven times but forgive seventy times seven nie. You always ask for My forgiveness, but is it not clear enough to you that I want you to forgive others so you will be forgiven too?

Ani ngerasa gak bakal bisa nemuin atau dapetin cowo kaya dya lagi, gimana kalau ani ga bakal temuin my prince charming? Sama dya uda enak banget loh, uda bareng2 3taonan huhu
My beloved, I know who is the best person for your life. I always work behind your scene. It is very painful thing to think that you are somebody else’s wife or girl friend. Or something that you are not meant to be. Its envy! Obey me, and I will be your God and you will be my people. Walk in all the ways I command you, that it may go well with you.

Tuhan ani takut kalau ntar Tuhan ketemuin ani lagi sama dya di masa depan. Moga2 jangan deh ya, choi3x (ketuk kayu pake kepala bukan pake tangan lagi). Atau ani juga takut kalau ntar ketemu dya sama cewe barunya, gimana tohhh
Anie, please remember your rhema.. 1philippians4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Kenapa sih harus putus? Bukannya ani selalu berdoa dan bawa hubungan ini ke dalam tanganMu? Kenapa dulu Tuhan ketemuin sama dya? Kenapa juga putusnya skr bukan dari dulu dulu aja pas belon sayang2 banget?
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Tuhan, ani pengen banget loh tembakin dya biar dya tau rasa sakitnya gimana. Pengen banget kutuk2 dya, its so hard for me to forgive him oh Lord.
When I said, it is Mine to avenge, I will repay and do not let hatred occupy your heart so My love and My joy can overflowing in your life. Everything I said and I do is for your own good. You always asked me to teach you how to love others like I have loved you. Now it’s the time for you to practice it. When you know how to love, in the end of the day you will get love that you can never imagine.

Yah itulah beberapa pertanyaan yg terus2an berputar di kepalaku ketika masa2 aku struggle. Dan Tuhan mendengar semua teriakan2ku.. Bapa, I know that every tears that I cry is precious in Your eyes. I know that broken hearts broken life You can take them all. And God I consider that my present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in me.

Kesimpulannya, saya sangat berterima kasih karena putus ini ;) Enggak lagi melihat sebagai hal yg buruk tapi aku melihat bahwa tangan Tuhan sedang merenda suatu karya yang agung mulia ;) Mungkin ada sakit yang parah, ada air mata yg ga abis2, ada makanan basi yg ga dimakan. Tapi inget, bahagia itu adalah pilihan. Setiap kita jatuh, kita harus bangkit lagi. Many times I have been forced to my knees, realizing there was no other place to go.

Our natural response to suffering is to become bitter,
but God desires to use that every suffering to make you better.
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
1 Corinthians 10:13

So lets become better and better with God ;)

And special thanks to my family, my leaders, my mentors, my oikos friends, my LOG, my LOUD! people, my school friends, and his friends too for your time, your ear, your support and especially your prayer ;) You guys really made a big difference in my life.