Q&A with Leslie - Am I Waiting for a Guy Who Doesn't Exist?
“Recently one of my guy friends made it known that he has feelings for me. I was honest in my answer that I couldn't see us married. We're too different and there are qualities that I need in a guy that he doesn't have. He asked me if I was one of those girls that "always thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fence." That comment has been bothering me ever since. I've been waiting patiently for that one guy to come along that I know I could spend my life with. I've read dozens of books on compatibility and how to know yourself well enough to know who you would be good with. Do you think those books have given me too idealistic of a mindset? Am I just waiting for a guy who doesn't exist? I've never wanted to settle for less than extraordinary in my life...with relationships, God, etc. Do you think I'm holding onto an impossible fairy tale ideal, or holding out for God’s best for me?”
Leslie response:
God created marriage – and everything leading up to it – to be a picture of Heaven on earth. He created men to be a picture of the heroic manhood of Christ. He wants no less for you. No matter what the culture says, He is asking you not to settle.
But do real Christ-like Warrior-Poets really exist anymore? That’s the desperate question burning upon the heart of nearly every young woman I meet. And I can say unequivocally that they do – because I’m married to one. Is Eric the only one? (That’s the next urgent question that arises). And I can say unequivocally that he is not – because I’ve had the privilege of interacting with scores of them around this country, and I am encountering more of them all the time.
So what exactly is a Warrior-Poet?
A Warrior-Poet has made a sacred covenant with his holy King; he has chosen to deny himself, take up his cross and follow Christ. He no longer lives to please his own selfish desires; he lives to please his Lord. He is not seeking to draw attention to himself, but to draw all eyes to Jesus. As John the Baptist said, “He must increase, but I must decrease.” (John 3:30 KJV). That’s the motto of the Warrior-Poet’s life. Far more important than finding a man you are “compatible” with is finding a man after God’s own heart. When God writes the love story, the compatibility factor takes care of itself.
When I was first getting to know Eric, I saw a marked difference between the way he treated me and the way almost every other guy on the planet did. For one thing, he wasn’t pursuing the opposite sex. He was pursuing Christ. The majority of his time was spent in prayer, in Biblical study, and in serving God’s kingdom on the mission field. In spite of his dynamic personality, he never sought to gain applause or be the center of attention. He didn’t seek out attractive young women. Rather, he sought out the loners and the outcasts; those that no one paid attention to. At a party or church get-together, he would often spend his entire evening in the corner, encouraging someone that everyone else had overlooked. Money had no hold upon him. While other young men his age pursued success and wealth, Eric gave all of his money away and depended upon God alone for provision. I vividly remember one time when a money-hungry multi-level marketer cornered Eric and asked him what kind of car he dreamed of driving. Eric shrugged and said, “I just need a car that runs.” The salesman was stunned that Eric wasn’t pining after a BMW like every other college-age guy he knew. (sinting keren abis ini!!)
Eric didn’t flirt – with me or any other girl. He’d made a commitment to honor and respect his future wife. Even in his friendships with girls, though he was friendly, he was careful not to draw their hearts toward him. He was set-apart – first for Christ and then for his future wife.
Not long before I met him, God had taken Eric through a process of laying down every “idol” in his life. In college, he’d been in a pre-med program, at the top of his class. In the midst of all his forward momentum, God asked him to lay down his money and career pursuits and give his life on the mission field. Eric’s obedience caused many raised eyebrows among his peers – but his spiritual life went from mediocre to vibrant in a matter of weeks.
It was Eric’s willingness to lay down everything for Christ that shaped him into a Warrior-Poet. As he laid down all worldly allurements and learned to love his Lord with all his heart, soul, mind and strength, he became a mighty, valiant, loving, compassionate man of God. No longer was he just a church-going, self-focused male with a Christian label. He was radically abandoned to the King of the Universe – and every area of his life exuded the glory of Christ.
That’s the kind of man you should hold out for.
Every time I was around Eric, I found that afterwards I was not thinking about Eric Ludy. I was thinking about Jesus Christ. Often after spending an hour or two listening to him passionately talk about the Word of God – I ended up in my room with my Bible, eagerly pouring over the Scriptures and seeking to know Christ more.
(I think this is how the healthy relationship works). Unlike anyone I had ever known, Eric Ludy drew me closer to Jesus. In fact, his example was a key factor in my own decision to live a radically surrendered life for Christ. Don’t ask the question, “am I compatible with this guy?” but rather, “does this guy put Jesus Christ first above all else, and does he lead me closer and closer to my true Prince?”
A lot of young women complain to me that, while they might take my word that Warrior-Poets do exist, they never see any men like that. This is largely because true Warrior-Poets cannot be found amidst the throngs of typical “Christian” males. As I wrote in my book Authentic Beauty:
Christ-like Warrior-Poets aren’t usually mixed in with all the other mediocre males. They are living set-apart lives, just as our Prince has called us to do. They aren’t often found in the normal crowds at typical guy-girl hangouts. They don’t seek the spotlight. They aren’t in hot pursuit of girls; they don’t try to satisfy their loneliness with relationships. Christ-like Warrior-Poets are found on their knees in hidden retreats with their King, or on the battlefield of human service, or in diligent study of their Lord’s ways. (p 159)And as I have said before, the best way to find a Christ-like Warrior-Poet is to stop searching for one. Focus on your intimate love-relationship with Jesus Christ, and He will be more than faithful to bring a Christ-built man into your life in His own perfect time and way. It’s amazing how God brings like-minded men and women together when we actually step back and give Him the chance to work.
Many young women ask me how high their standards for a guy should be. Is a Warrior-Poet one who perfectly reflects the manhood of Jesus Christ? What if there are still evidences of selfishness or immaturity in his life? Does that mean he’s not the real thing?
The mark of a Warrior-Poet does not lie in his perfection, but in the direction of his life. Is he aimed toward the world, or aimed toward Christ? Is he eagerly pursuing more of Christ, or is he preoccupied with himself? If his life direction is pointed toward “less of me and more of Him” than he has the Warrior-Poet blood within his veins, even if God has not yet rasped and refined all the rough edges of his masculinity. If he has made Christ the center of his existence, then Christ will be faithful to smooth away the wrinkles and refine him more and more into His divine likeness.
Christ-built Warrior-Poets do exist in today’s world! And God asks us to trust Him enough to bring one into our life in His own perfect time and way; not to settle for anything less than His very best for us.
